New invention idea: vibrating tampons
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
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