I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Randomize
