The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
