I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
