If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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