I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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