So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
