I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
