I just pynch a tree in the face
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
