They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You are a genius and a whore.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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