Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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