Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
