I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
