nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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