yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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