So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
