If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
