Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Can't talk, ducks in the car
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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