...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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