but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
