She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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