dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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