Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
