why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
