Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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