I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
