Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
