I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
FUCK WHALES
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
