I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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