im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
