Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
