How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
