I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize