make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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