i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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