I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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