Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
40s are totally the cure
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
