I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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