I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
