Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
