is your mom at the bar?
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
