clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
