last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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