The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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