Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
