I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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