You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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