I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
