We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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