College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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