i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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