Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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